Monday, August 08, 2016

Noise

  There is too much noise in my life these days.
 My septic tank blower has a high pitched noise that greets me every morning on my way to the car. Sometimes there's also an alarm for the blower or the pump (especially if the ground has been saturated) sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between the alarm and the blower's normal sound.
  Too much noise at work. Between loud families, summer camps and crying babies, it often gets too much for me. Today I got an award. it came with some really loud banging on something, cheers, claps and quite a few of my bosses. So, my first thought was to get away, my second was wondering what I did wrong, and the next was having them all congratulate me. It took me an hour to get over it. During that hour, I thought, "This. This right here proves I'm an introvert." I appreciate that I won something, but I could do without the fanfare.
   So noise. Some of it I cannot control, some I can.In that vein, I'm taking myself off the quilt list. I'm withdrawing from memberships. The noise has gotten to me. Pushed me in directions I'm not happy about. Pushed me into unhappiness in general.
  I've been busy trying to figure out how to get ahead. How to move forward. How to get past where I am. I've been pulled this way and that with my art being defined by a theme or size, compromised by other's vision. I've lost mine. Every interesting thought I've had to move in a direction has been modified by, "when I'm done working on this project for this show".
  I've been so busy defining things, defining what is NOT, that I don't have any time for what might be for me. I really don't need to keep defining things for myself. I need to give myself the time to make what I want.
  The noise of being connected makes me unhappy. It points out that there are pretentious people, too gregarious for my tastes. It points out that I am not good girlfriend material. It blares bad humor and complaints daily. It makes me angry, jealous, leaves me feeling despair and makes, "It's not a level playing field" almost a daily mantra.
 No more. Since when did I need someone's approval for anything I thought or did? If I don't know about it, I can't feel bad and I do not deserve to feel bad about my life. My life is pretty darned good, actually. I have a husband I love and who loves me. I have a home and a family. I have a job I love doing and people I love working with.
 And so I turn to Julia Cameron for some words of wisdom to get back in touch with myself and do what I love. Time to remember again.