Sunday, May 10, 2009

Birthday celebrations-
for Maura included a trip to Springfield with two friends to see a movie and go to the Mall. While sitting outside Hot Topic while they tried desperately to find something within their budget, I watched the families strolling by. I was amused by the very young father who, had to lean over to walk holding his son's hand and, had to pause a moment, let that hand go, to pull his pants up. It amused me to think that seeing a grown man walking around losing his pants just doesn't even cause a pause in most shoppers.
I saw some tiny babies. I had a moment when I remembered those sweet moments for myself.
So overwhelmed by their needs and the responcibility, but such sweet, sweet moments of simple devotion.
And now, for me, the teen years have arrived. I am overwhelmed in different ways now.
I see my daughter, and remember how MUCH I wanted her and how happy I was when she arrived on Mother's Day. I know she is smart, beautiful and creative. I know that she has so much potential she hasn't even begun to tap into and has futures available to her that are only limited by her own effort and imagination. I can't describe how it feels to know that she purposefully hurts herself. That she does it to feel emotion, even if that emotion is pain.
I am feeling quite a bit of pain now too, guilt, sadness, failure, second guessing myself, confusion, and more. It's been a most painful Mother's day with more to come in the following weeks. I fully expect to be the one she directs her anger towards as she works through her issues because I'm the mom. It's what we do.