Saturday, April 09, 2005

Death becomes Her---------------
Terri's story has brought the issue of a human's right to death / right to life to the fore front in America. While her parents were very vocal, her husband refused to discuss it in the public forum, so we were all left knowing only one side of the story so compleately... or were we?
How many judges looked at the case and rulled on favor of her husband? There had to be convincing evidence that it would be something Terri would have chosen (or did in conversations)
Of course, it made me think, how many of us say to someone, "if I was left as a vegetable, just pull the plug"? yet, how many of us has actually bothered to put it in writing? Most of us still assume we are too young to think about the details of death. It's mostly the elderly who go ahead and put it in writing or those who think death might be around the corner. The rest of us might think about it, but tend to get distracted by grocery lists, schedules and sleep. I don't know about you, but a trip to the lawyer's is not on my to do list in the near future.
As I watched all the desperate efforts being made to change our constitutional rights on the basis of this one woman's plight, I thought it was so odd that her parents would fight so hard to keep her here when they were so devout Christians. Do they really believe in Heaven? Then, why would they think her existence on earth in this condition was a better choice than letting her be with God?
I began to think Terri was like Sleeping Beauty, or perhaps the perfect child. Here was an adult child who would never disappoint them and never disagree. Of course, she would never do anything to make them proud, never accomplish anything, never give them grandchildren and would never become anything more or different. Terri was frozen in time and there was no hope she would ever become anything else.
Shortly before all this made the news, my mother died. She was 85 and had a massive brain tumor. She had a living will. We sat by her bedside and watched her die. It took 3 days. There were three days of no food and no water. Days where her lungs slowly filled with fluid where it would have eventually ended in her drowning in her own fluids. We sat there knowing it would be what she wished. Knowing it was the best choice. Knowing that she believed she was going to Heaven and wouldn't have wanted to remain here. Knowing all that didn't make the sitting near here any easier.
This was my mother who raised me and cared for me and I was watching her die. It doesn't make a difference if she was 85 or 25. Not really.
People in the US tend to ignore death or they try to pretty it up. We tend to try anything to stay alive, even those who believe there's something better waiting for us. I don't know of any death that has been easy on anyone involved. Sudden deaths or long lingering ones, none of them are pretty and I think we are all kidding ourselves to think otherwise. My father died a long and lingering death. My great Aunt died in the bathroom in the middle of the night. My grandfather's body just wore out. My great Uncle died from a stroke. The bottom line is we don't get to choose our deaths. Not the way, time or place. I think too many people want to plan better than that.